The Essence of Love

A few weeks ago, while enjoying my lunch at a local eatery, I noticed a young teenage couple snuggling in a booth next to me, completely absorbed in each other. Their body language was unmistakable: eyes locked in a hypnotic, adoring gaze, hands tightly intertwined, and soft whispers and giggles of delight that only come from being in love.

Young love is unmatched in its energy and excitement. As I observed the pair, I couldn’t help but reflect on my own adolescent days. At that age, I believed my understanding of love was vast enough to fill the universe. Nearly fifty years later, I’ve come to realize that my knowledge back then would have barely fit in a thimble, with plenty of room to spare.

Throughout history, the definition of love has been a topic of considerable debate, introspection, and speculation. In a world where the word “love” is used to describe everything from a delicious hamburger to the latest fashion trend, it’s no wonder there’s confusion about what genuine love truly is.

True love is not merely the emotional high that envelops us during the early stages of infatuation, chemistry, or physical intimacy. While these elements are undoubtedly important, they do not constitute the foundation of lasting love.

The essential building block of all real love is Trust. Although this may seem overly simplistic, Trust is the bedrock that supports the development of other crucial components of love, such as mutual respect and deep friendship. In a relationship, Trust can be defined as confidence in a partner’s character, strength, and honesty. Without Trust, love cannot endure, and all other expressions of love are rendered meaningless.

An environment of Trust provides a safe space for both partners to be themselves without fear, allowing for vulnerability without ridicule, judgment, or abandonment. Developing Trust is a process that takes time, requiring consistent evidence of trustworthiness over an extended period. While chemistry and attraction might spark at first sight, true love cannot form without Trust.

Trust also requires a balance of personal power where neither partner dominates the relationship. Personal power exists when both partners can experience self-discovery, make mistakes, and explore new strategies without fear of rejection, manipulation, or reprisal. Fear, conversely, disrupts this balance of power.

Fear diminishes Trust and robs couples of the ability to fully enjoy other essential aspects of a loving relationship, such as emotional and physical intimacy. Trust and true love cannot flourish in an environment of emotional desolation or in relationships marked by abuse, infidelity, or intimidation, even if only occasionally.

A passage from the Bible succinctly illustrates this point: “There is no fear in love, but perfect love drives out fear” (1 John 4:18). Trust and fear cannot coexist because a secure and safe relationship extinguishes fear. Therefore, Trust naturally evolves as the essence and ultimate proof of love. Without it, love withers away, starved for nourishment.

As the young couple in the restaurant gathered their belongings and left with their arms wrapped tightly around each other, her head resting gently on his shoulder, I watched them go and fervently hoped that, in the end, they would discover the essence of true love in their little thimbles.

“Love takes off masks that we fear we cannot live without and know we cannot live within” — James Baldwin